TALKING ABOUT ELDER CARE OPTIONS
While no one really enjoys talking about aging, the loss of independence or elder care needs, it is usually better to initiate a conversation with your aging loved ones sooner rather than later. How do you know when the time is right? There will probably not be a perfect time to talk about elder care options but knowing your family’s financial options and personal preferences before there is an urgent need for critical care or a diagnosis of a progressive disease.
Some Questions to Ask
- Would it be possible to hire medical professionals or bring paid caregivers into the elder’s home?
- Do you need to consider placing the elder in an assisted living or nursing home?
- Does the aging family member have a will or a health care proxy?
How to Start the Conversation
Although it might seem awkward or intrusive, discussing elder care options before there is a need, although many people do not do so. One way to start the difficult conversation would be to mention a friend or neighbor in a similar situation and how they are handling it. Another way to introduce the sensitive topic in a impersonal way would be to bring up an article about gaining in America or new options in caring for the elderly. While more than one conversation may be likely, once the subject is brought up, it may be somewhat of a relief for both the younger and older generation.
Who Should be Involved in the Discussion?
Try not to make a difficult discussion even more complicated by making the elder family member feel overwhelmed by having too many people participate. The conversation should be as non-confrontational and as caring as possible. Your family dynamics will help determine who should be involved in the discussion as well as the elder’s personality, marital status, gender and overall health. Conversations about elder care may include the elder’s:
- Spouse
- Adult children
- A favorite family member, such as a niece or nephew
- Sibling(s)
- If necessary, the primary doctor or other respected professional, such as an attorney, to help facilitate the conversation and answer related questions
Set the Stage and Guide the Conversation
Knowing that this will be an emotionally loaded conversation it is important to try to make everyone as comfortable as possible before you begin, so consider what would be the most comfortable environment for your aging loved one. Perhaps there is a certain room or location, such as the garden, where the senior feels most comfortable and that setting would help him or her feel more at ease. Also consider the best time of day to discuss your concerns and for the elder to share his/her thoughts. Many older adults frequently tire out by late afternoon or early evening and if that is the case, try to meet in the morning. In addition to setting the stage, know what topics might need to be discussed:
- Begin by introducing small changes and decisions that will help the elder’s quality of life
- Be direct and specific about your concerns as well as your suggestions for potential next steps and invite ideas for alternative solutions.
- If it is necessary, don’t be afraid to introduce the concept that an “expert” will be brought in for an assessment to help determine the current level of care needed as well as to evaluate and suggest options for future care needs. A social worker or occupational therapist would be able to assess the elder’s ability to do daily tasks while also making practical suggestions to make the current living environment easier and safer.
Dealing with Denial
It can be stressful for anyone to deal with the challenges of growing older and it is not uncommon for family members and/or the elder to be in denial. As a result, one of more family members may refuse to admit there are any problems, especially in the early stages of decline. If there isn’t an urgent need to change the care environment, be patient and know that it is unlikely everything will be resolved with just one conversation. Just introducing the subject and working toward solutions for future elder care needs should be considered a major step. As the elder’s physical and mental capacities change, the conversation should continue. Remember to be supportive and sympathetic about the potential loss of independence the elder is facing and work together to find a solution.
Remember to Listen
Instead of declaring what changes need to occur, remember to listen the elder’s concerns and idea for solutions. Losing your independence is a common fear for many elders. Keeping that concern in mind and encouraging the elder to participate in the plans for the future should help make a difficult situation a little bit easier.
For assistance locating elder care services or if the time has come when you or a family member is no longer able to live independently, contact California Registry to discuss the options and learn about assisted living services and facilities within California.